the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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