Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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