Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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