I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
