Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize