dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
