Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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