So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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