Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
