New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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