today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
