i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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