Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
