i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
