HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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