somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
