I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
