Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
