saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
