You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize