dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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