I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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