she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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