oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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