you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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