i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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