I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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