my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
