Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
