I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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