everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
