Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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