i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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