I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize