some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
