what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
