my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
