I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
