I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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