just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
