It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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