there's paper in my vomit.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
