So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
