just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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