i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
