i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My underwear smells like fireworks.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
