Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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