i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize