Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
