I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
