Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
