I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
