I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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