Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
