I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
