and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
