please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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