I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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