It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
