I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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